If you have grappled with these or similar scenarios below, then you know the struggle of the vacation/obligation trip — and the guilt and stress associated with being somewhere you feel you should be at the expense of where you really want to be spending those precious vacation days.
Scenario #1: You’re invited to join your college roommate’s family for a Thanksgiving trip to fun Lake Tahoe — snowshoeing, hiking, sounds great. But you don’t know if you can handle the disappointment from your mother when you tell her you won’t be home for the holiday. You regretfully decline the Tahoe trip and travel to your mom’s for a long weekend of the same-ole/same-ole cooking and watching TV.
Scenario #2: You only have a few days of vacation leave for the rest of the year and want to use them for a long weekend with your husband and kids at the beach to relax. But you need to use your days of leave from work to go to your cousin’s wedding 1,000 miles away. She came to your wedding, and your aunt will note your lack of attendance. Is the beach worth the guilt of bailing on the family event? Will the extended family understand that you only have a few days of vacation and need that time for yourself, or will you be forever known by that side of the family as “the selfish one”?
Do you have vaclabations?
Most of us happily and willingly take vacations that focus on family events to share good times and celebrate special occasions. But sometimes they can feel more like obligations when it’s expected that you’ll be there no matter what because … well because at that point that’s exactly what they are … obligations.
Let’s admit we have these types of trips for what they are — the vacation/obligation trip, or the vaclabation. If the word “vaclabation” was an actual word in the dictionary, here’s how it would be defined:
Vac – la – bation \noun\ A period of rest and relaxation spent doing something one feels bound to do through either duty or responsibility.
A trip requiring you to take days off from work should by its very nature be fun and relaxing because it is VACATION. But when there’s a strong sense of guilt and obligation involved in taking that trip, if you find yourself thinking “I don’t want to do this, but if I don’t go to my in-laws house for Thanksgiving this year, I’ll never hear the end of it,” then you have entered the vaclabation zone.
What to do?
So what to do when you know you are about to be on a vaclabation? Buckle up and try to make the best of it. First admit it for what it is. Relaxing? Probably not. Fun? Not if your idea of fun involves endless hours clubbing in Vegas or lounging in the sands of Hawaii. If your vaclabation takes you to a long weekend at your relatives’ house where playing Boggle is the highlight, odds are pretty good you are not coming home from this trip energized, relaxed, or satisfied in any way.
Accept it for what it is, and move on: So you wanted to use your vacation days to go to Costa Rica, and now you’ll have to wait another year because you succumbed to the latest family obligation. Those monkeys in Central America will wait for you another year, but sadly maybe your family wouldn’t be able to … no one is getting any younger. Accept the fact that you are doing a good thing by doing this obligation. Realize how important you are to those around you. Imagine how it would feel if you had no one to have an obligation towards? With love comes obligation.
Set your expectations before you arrive: Let your family know that you and your kids really want to visit the local museums during your visit, or you want to take a day and drive to the coast, basically plan some mini-vacations during your stay. Feelings won’t be as hurt if you set and share your agenda before your trip. Let everyone know that you don’t intend to watch 16 hours of football over the weekend. The key to successfully carrying off the mini-vacation is to be as inclusive as possible for anyone else who wants to join you on your trip. It becomes their choice not to spend time with you at that point, not the other way around.
Pamper yourself: Give yourself a fighting chance to take the edge off your vaclabation by making arrangements to pamper yourself either before, during or after your trip. Have the extra long message, try a killer yoga class, splurge at the bookstore, or whatever will uplift your body, mind and spirit.
Make the most of it: Bring along some tasks to do so you’ll at least have a sense of accomplishment at the end of your trip. Do you want to take up running? Start during this trip. You could also finish the never-ending novel you can’t get through, or bring a laptop and clean some files. If you have kids on the trip, use the time to help them study, play catch, or anything else they enjoy doing with your undivided attention.
Plan a REAL vacation: It’s harder for others to plan events and assume you’ll be there if they know you have that Costa Rica trip planned next year. Let people know your plans far ahead of time, and there will be less chance that expectations will be created for your attendance.
Or better yet, why not suggest everyone take a vacation together? All-inclusive resorts have activities and special packages designed for families. Some tensions at family functions can be reduced by having everyone meet on “neutral” territory. And best of all, there’s no way you’ll be forced to spend your nights sleeping on the lumpy fold out sofa in the family room.