Have you ever wondered why men and women seem to speak two different languages? Well, because, in a way, we do. And this has nothing to do with the biological differences of other perceived stereotypes. It actually stems from the role women have traditionally played throughout history.
Since early on, women have been relegated to domestic endeavors. Everyday women cleaned the house, cooked meals, cared for the children and pets, paid the bills, entertained guests, supported her husband, and basically ensured smooth sailing for the household. After the introduction of Women’s Lib, professional pursuits were added to the mix — not as secretaries or teachers, but as chefs, advertising moguls, producers, marketing managers, executives, etc.
But, a woman’s responsibilities to her home and family did not lessen. Without conscious decision, women perfected the art of multitasking — the ability to concentrate on several tasks simultaneously. Most men and women perform small feats of multitasking everyday, such as singing along with the radio while driving a car and talking to passengers. Women, however, took this “hobby” and adapted it to the grind of their daily lives.
One drawback of multitasking is not being able to focus 100 percent on any single issue. Thus, over time, women developed a counter-strategy utilizing a trait they already possessed: intuition. It’s no news to any woman that females tend to “sense” other people’s emotions and feelings through body language, vocal inflection and general appearance. But base intuition evolved into the ability to read meanings into dialogue and text. For example, when a woman hears, “The Peterson account is driving me crazy,” she can infer the hidden translation, “Please help me with the Peterson account.” Call it an inbred talent for “reading between the lines.”
On the flip side, men never had the need to develop their multitasking abilities beyond surface applications. Historically, a man’s world was cleanly divided between work and home, and the two never mixed. Additionally, historically, men never assisted their wives in the upkeep of their homes or with daily familial enterprises. Not to say that these men were completely absent from their families’ lives. Instead, they shared in the positive moments (playtime, vacations, family barbeques, etc.), and let their wives handle the more challenging concerns (school problems, illness, household finances, etc.).
These proclivities have been carried over into modern communication. Women’s intuition has transmuted from being “just a feeling” to become part of active communication patterns. In the workplace, women chafe under micromanagement because they typically understand their role and projects without much direct supervision. Conversely, men flourish with linear management and candid communication. In other words, women are intuitive communicators, meaning that we are able to read inferences in speech, while men are more direct in nature, typically relying on clear-cut facts to communicate effectively.
So, what happens when “Mars meets Venus?” Women, who can easily read between the lines to get to the core of their communication partner’s message, are often frustrated when faced with men’s straightforwardness. An example: a wife recently complained to her husband about the distribution of chores in their home — he was responsible for all outdoor chores while all inside tasks fell to her. So he suggested that he could start doing the dishes. The first night, she found the dishes rinsed with water only, leading her to instruct that soap must be used. The second night found the husband swirling a soapy sponge around the plate repeatedly while the water ran full blast, prompting the wife to complain about his wasting water. She walked into the kitchen on the third night to find the wet dishes stacked one on top of another, already inside the cabinets. When she confronted him, he said, “You want it done your way? Do it yourself.”
This interchange is interesting because it perfectly explains the differences in the ways men and women communicate. The woman inferred that her husband would have knowledge of washing dishes in deference of his offer. She used her “intuition” to assume that if the offer was made, then her husband must know what he was doing. However, the husband obviously did not know the specifications that his wife had anticipated. When his offer was made, he counted on clear directions for what was expected of him. However, those specifications never came, leaving him to choose the most direct route of action and take it.
Which leads us to the question of how men and women can overcome the speech barrier. When communicators understand where their partners are coming from, many roadblocks are eliminated through a simple altering of speech patterns. Women: you understand that men are creatures of habit and change is not foremost in their repertoire unless specifically instructed to do so. If you want to tell a man something, be direct. Use action verbs. Speak as if you’re authoring a how-to guide. Don’t assume that your message has been received. Instead, ask questions to gage the level of comprehension. Men: you have your work cut out for you. You are going against centuries of societal programming, but it can be done. Keep in mind that women tend to get frustrated quickly when their messages are not perceived in the manner they were sent. Confirming your interpretations will save hours of miscommunication and disputes. If still confused, ask your partner what she means. Women also have the tendency to overuse language (i.e., too many words to convey simple ideas), so focus on the original message until you have a concrete understanding.
In the future, when speaking with those of the opposite sex, keep in mind the fact that communication patterns are not genetically tied, but bred through years of cultivation and development. By adjusting your message delivery method, interpersonal communication no longer seems like trying to understand a frustrating foreign language. And just think — there will be no more blaming the misunderstandings on the dreaded Y chromosome.