It’s amazing how many strong, independent women have a fear of being on their own. Author and psychotherapist Florence Falk has written about this very topic in “On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.”
After conducting a therapy session with a gal who broke up with a boyfriend after a four-year relationship and felt terrified to be alone, Falk realized many women, including herself after a divorce, are hesitant to surrender to a life on their own, and thus the book was written.
This book does not read as preachy, fluffy or self-help. It is a positive read — because statistics show at some point the average gal will find herself alone, whether divorced, widowed, single etc. — and this book in some ways celebrates this. There is no “tough love,” it is not done in a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of way. These are inspiring, intimate stories of women discovering the beauty of being alone — not being lonely. In places it reads as a novel.
The book opens with the story of Lisa, who finds herself in a situation many of us have been in. The boyfriend moves out, and does so with ease. Lisa finds herself listening to the silence around her, wondering how she should — and whether she can — survive alone.
Addressed in a straightforward manner, but also with grace, Falk explores with us the stories of the women and how we relate. Have we suddenly found ourselves alone like Lisa in the first story? Are we staying in relationships that don’t work rather than go be on our own? The author stresses that accepting aloneness doesn’t mean to always be “alone.” On the contrary, she notes, it sets us on the path to be ready to embrace intimacy.
Here is an excerpt from chapter seven: In every woman, there is a place of fear, no matter how courageous we may be, or how many times we step out. Photojournalist Paula Allen travels all over the world documenting the stories of courageous women whose struggles against violence and oppression would otherwise remain invisible, like those in a safe house in Kenya where young women have escaped female genital mutilation; or in a Kosovo village in which only women and children survived the war; or in Asia, where “comfort women” spoke about their enforced sexual slavery by the Japanese military during World War II; or in Calama, in northern Chile, where female villagers have spent more than twenty years combing the vast Atacame Desert …
Often traveling alone through extremely dangerous and violence prone settings, Paula was not prepared for the fear she felt spending “recovery time” alone in her Adirondack cabin.
Toward dusk on the third night she was there, the skies became overcast. Soon the moon disappeared, leaving a wake of darkness. Paula began to feel the creeping stealth of fear, and, as the night deepened, unadulterated terror. “I went to bed surrounded by every kind of thought — not the kind of dark fantasies where you tell yourself to stop and they melt away — there were more about the immediacy of drunk or crazy men coming to attack me because they knew I was alone.” …
… for Paula, who travels into the world’s danger zones, has become aware of the irony of her own untold story — or rather, the story that belongs to her and to all women: freedom includes fear. It is there because we carry it in our collective unconscious, because its spell weaves into the immediacy of our daily lives, and because it is a concrete experience in most of our lives … (end excerpt)
With modern-day examples of gals from ABC’s “The Bachelor” (you know those girls who don’t get a rose and think they are defective …) to asking questions for us to explore into our pasts (mother, father, family issues) to those women who have to confront cheating spouses to examples from other books on the shelves, “On My Own” is a power guide.
Falk quotes writer Maria Housden who said, “I have spent a lifetime trying to ‘get better,’ ‘be nicer,’ mooring myself to my relationships with other people … No longer immersed in a never-ending process of self-improvement, my energy is now poured into the life I want to live.”
And this book meets us on the journey of living how we want to live. It explores aloneness, but not helplessness or hopelessness; there is no anti-man or anti-partner … this is a book of empowerment to live a rich life and to follow the path you’re on with strength and resiliency. Because when you find yourself harnessing the power of solitude, relationships become that much more encompassing. It’s an uplifting read.
“On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone” was originally published and released March 2008. Now available in paperback; 304 pages. www.florencefalk.com