Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships
Dear Dr. V,
WHY AM I ALONE AND SINGLE IN LOS ANGELES … I DON’T GET IT! I am young, pretty, successful, smart and yet; I CAN’T MEET A GUY! Seriously, what is going on?? Same thing with my friends; beautiful, young, successful, smart and they are ALL ALONE! I am so confused by this. When I do meet a guy, he’s the typical LA weirdo: doesn’t know how to treat a “lady,” doesn’t understand the concept of actually “dating” (code for just wants sex), lies about everything, is in his mid-forties with a Facebook page that should be considered porn, etc., etc., etc., AND I’m not alone; this is the experience of so many women living in Los Angeles — why??
Desperately Seeking a Normal Male
Dear Desperately,
Oh, I feel your pain! Believe me when I say there is not a thing wrong with you. In fact, what is right with you is shining a light on the differences and incompatibilities between you and these seeming legions of non-matching men.
You sound like an intelligent, sensitive person. Perhaps it’s not so much the kind of men in the dating scene, but more your awareness and perception of it. At the risk of sounding crass, it’s as if your BS detectors have been refined to the point where no amount of charisma or good looks can mask shallowness or insincerity. Though I understand your frustration, I do not think this is a bad thing. You’re not wasting any time in dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships. It’s clear to you right away when someone isn’t the right match for you. This may sound like I’m stating the obvious, but many people are not as fortunate and end up wasting their time or worse, getting hurt, by not being as tuned in to their romantic intuition as you.
In regards to your question, I do think there are some proactive, positive measures you can take. As I’ve said in other responses, I’m strong believer that within certain limits, each of us creates the reality in which we exist. So, the responsibility falls on you to position yourself in such a place, inside and out, where you can be open and receptive to finding a person with whom you can truly share something meaningful.
The first thing I suggest to do is release any negativity, resentment and frustration you might be holding on to from past experiences. To paraphrase a well-known gentleman: “Forgive them, they know not what they do.” The sad fact is there are a lot of immature, crude and well, just plain silly guys out there. Interacting with them can be frustrating, depressing and worst of all, disheartening.
What I fear for you is that hanging on to these grudges might prejudice you against all men. And I’m happy to say there are just as many intelligent, sensitive, wonderful men out there as well. Many of whom I’m sure are at this moment wondering why so many of the women they meet are the female version of the dating nightmare you described. It may sound cliche and syrupy, but it’s true: at this moment, the man you’re hoping to meet is also hoping to meet you.
So it would be truly unfortunate if you happened to miss an opportunity to connect. By refusing to allow yourself to be distracted by the negative (and I know there’s A LOT to be distracted by), you’re allowing yourself the freedom to be receptive to whatever gifts the Universe may be sending your way. In other words, don’t allow yourself to become bitter, even though the world we live in is not always sweet.
By keeping yourself unfettered in this way, the strength of your heart will be radiant, and I can think of few qualities more attractive and magnetic than a radiant heart.
This being said, trust that the path you’re moving on in your life is revealing itself exactly the way it’s supposed to (because it is), and that there is an inevitable “crossing of the paths” in your future. If you can really internalize this thought and believe it, you might be surprised at the liberation you feel. Because if it is truly inevitable that you will meet The Guy (or even a few Guys), then there is nothing you have to do to help things along, outside of remaining true to yourself in your thoughts and actions. When we stand aside and let the Universe do its work for us, amazing thing can happen.
You mentioned that you live in Los Angeles. I know our town has a reputation, some would say well deserved, for being home to some vapid, shallow individuals. I say there are just as many, if not more vibrant and exciting people living here as well (we both call L.A. home, right?).
I suggest that you reconsider how you go about socializing and also where you expect to meet people. Think about your interests, your passions and so on. How much time do you put into what really makes you happy? Maybe it’s theater, live music, going to art galleries, cycling, long days at the beach, camping … you get the idea. Make phone calls; organize with friends to go do the things you love. Not with any anticipation of meeting anyone, just go do it for the pure enjoyment of it.
And keep doing it, maintaining a balance between not pressuring yourself with expectations, yet at the same time remaining open to any new possibilities that might present themselves. By charging yourself up with positive energy it’s almost like sending out a signal that says, “OK, I’m ready.” Sooner or later, those signals get an answer.
Also, a quick word on our constantly evolving virtual society: Social networking sites like Facebook and so on can be great for meeting people and reconnecting with old friends, but technology has yet to surpass the real feeling we get when we can have an actual conversation with someone, face to face. There is an intimate physicality, even in the simple act of speaking to one another, which cannot be replicated with a mouse, keyboard and computer screen.
Unless you’re specifically using a dating site, I’d recommend against establishing any kind of virtual relationship with someone (such as Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc) until you’ve established some kind of real world interaction. I think this makes sense from a pragmatic, safety standpoint as well.
To put it simply, my advice to you is to set yourself free. Dare to do what so few have the courage to. When you leave the house, be sure you are on your way to do whatever it is that makes you happy. Be deliberate in every aspect of your life, and all else will be taken care of.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
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