Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships. This week: the ugly duckling syndrome.
Dear Dr. V,
I have to attend a wedding in about a month in Los Angeles. I don’t know why, but I feel super insecure about it! I think because every one of my friends here in Minnesota is like “wow L.A. … everyone is sooo beautiful,” and then they pause and look at me silently. I feel like they are thinking to themselves, “you’re gonna stick out like a sore thumb … Ms. Ugly Duckling.” It really is an awful feeling. I sort of don’t want to go because I’m anticipating just feeling bad about myself when it’s all over. Maybe you can offer me some advice?
Ugly Duckling
Dear Duckling,
My gut feeling is that perhaps your friends are projecting their insecurities onto you. It’s not unheard of for people to try and keep others from doing and experiencing that which they themselves are too timid or scared to do on their own. You may find that Los Angeles suits you better than any other place you’ve been and you don’t want to leave; you may fit right in! Or perhaps you’ll just have a fantastic few days in a beautiful, cosmopolitan, fun-loving city that has a much-undeserved bad rap.
You named yourself the Ugly Duckling in your letter. My job in part is to read into things, so here we go:
What was the story of the Ugly Duckling? After being cruelly teased by the other ducks in the pond he grew into a beautiful swan, and outshone his tormentors. Perhaps it’s time for you to leave your duck pond and start looking for other swans. It would be unfortunate if the insecurities and shortsightedness of others were to cheat you out of what could be a fabulous life experience.
The real question is, do you know in your heart that you are beautiful? Are you aware of the one-time only uniqueness that is you, that can never be duplicated again anywhere? Once you can accept this as an undeniable truth (and it is), you may be surprised to find yourself tapping into an inner strength of which you were not previously aware. Recognizing and honoring the beauty of your true self will arm you with self-confidence and more importantly, self-love.
When you achieve this inside, it radiates out from you like an aura. The way you carry yourself changes, the way you interact with others will reflect this inner balance and calm. People will perceive you as confident and comfortable because you will be. And when we are at ease is when our best qualities, those things that make each of us attractive in our own distinctive way, shine through.
This ability is not a super-power. It is within your reach, if you are willing to do the work. Turn off the useless criticism in your head; reclaim the power that’s been taken from you by those you feel judged by. Their opinions have only as much value as you give them.
It may sound a bit like new-age hokum, but a daily affirmation, even a several times daily affirmation, can work wonders. This can be something you say to yourself in the mirror in the morning before you leave the house, or it can just be a mantra you repeat to yourself as needed throughout the day. Think of how it as how you want to feel inside on a day-to-day basis. Find a way to describe it to yourself in a few simple sentences, for instance: “Today I am beautiful. Today I am strong. This is the truth and it cannot be changed.” This is just an example, but hopefully it will provide you with a starting point at least.
You might be surprised at the change you see inside and out when you loop positive thought tapes in your head as opposed to negative ones. Self-doubt is only possible when we convince ourselves of our own unworthiness. Likewise, self-love is only possible when we make ourselves realize just how incredible, important and invaluable each of us is as an individual.
And if I may, let me take a moment to put in a good word for my town. Los Angeles is home to millions of people, and I can assure you we’re not all supermodels, or even plain old regular models. In fact, if there’s one thing that all of us Angelenos have in common I’d say it’s diversity. There are so many different kinds of people in so many different shapes, colors and sizes it’s really dizzying in the best possible way. To me this shows how wonderful a place America is. You can stroll down a street where the shop signs are all in Russian, round a corner and get the best plate of Thai noodles you’ve ever tasted for less than ten dollars, all under that famous Hollywood sign. And there really is nothing that compares with standing on the sand watching the sunset over the Pacific, the mountains behind you shining gold in the last rays of the day’s sunlight.
All this being said, I can’t help but think, what better place could you possibly have for a test-flight of your empowered self than an out-of-town wedding? There will be so many new people to meet there, so many people viewing you only in the context of the present, of who you truly are in this moment.
You are at what could be called a heroic juncture in your life. You are being presented with an opportunity to take a leap into the Great Unknown and go on an adventure. Many people wait their whole lives for such a chance. It’s your move, and yours alone to make. Whatever you decide, follow where your heart is leading, then you can be sure you’ve made the right decision.
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
Visit her Web site at www.talk2drv.com