Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships. This week: the Swine Flu scare.
Dear Dr. V,
This past week has been absolutely dreadful. Seriously, every time I turn on the news, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I have two small children and I’m afraid to take them to the local park for fear someone might sneeze on them and contract the Swine Flu. Sometimes I feel like the world is just falling apart or that something might happen to my children that I can’t control. How can I be a better mom? Why am I so afraid?
Gemma from NYC
Dear Gemma,
I can certainly understand your concern and outright fear. You are not alone. Unless somebody has been living under a rock these past few weeks I don’t know how they could not have heard the words “swine flu” and “impending pandemic” at least a dozen times a day, barraging them from the radio, TV and computer screen.
Before we get into the emotional end of things, let’s both take a deep breath (I was scared too!) and take a reality check. While this is a serious issue that we should all continue to pay attention to, there is no need to let fear cloud out common sense, and more importantly, get in the way of the enjoyment of our lives.
Health authorities are really not suggesting any measures above and beyond what we hear every flu season: Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly throughout the day. If you’re feeling sick get to the doctor right away (Swine Flu responds to medication in the early phase). If you are sick stay home and get plenty of rest and fluids. I’ll add my own caveat: avoid those who are obviously sick when you can.
From your letter, you sound like a vigilant, responsible parent. I can’t imagine that if you were in a park with your children, and saw someone with flu-like symptoms that you wouldn’t have your kids out of there at warp speed. There is also much comparison in the media to the pandemics of the past. But consider a major difference between now and the horrible flu of 1918: nearly the entire planet has mobilized and is working together to contain the virus. And it seems to be working. My heart and prayers go out to those in Mexico and everywhere else who have suffered loss and pain because of this illness, but the virus seems to be losing its virulence, which is something to be thankful for.
What’s important to remember throughout these times is not to panic. Fear can be a useful tool (which I’ll get to in a minute), but a state of continuous panic is not only counterproductive, it’s dangerous. In urgent situations what’s needed is clear thinking, not reactive hysteria. Though we depend on the media for information, especially in times like these, I strongly suggest always keeping your own internal filters on.
As I’ve said before regarding the media, fear sells, because we’re all afraid. A twenty-four hour news cycle means twenty four-hours of ad time to sell. If we’re all glued to our sets all the time because the sky is falling (again), it’s good for business. There was a similar media-hysteria around SARS, Bird Flu and so on. Those were all real issues and people did suffer and lose their lives, and I recognize that it was heartrending for those touched by it. But it was not Armageddon. The sky was not falling then, and it is not falling now.
Yet what struck me about your letter was your focus on how you could be a “better mother.” I’m stumped on that one. You wrote in, asking for help, took stock in your own emotional ocean; all the time motivated by the drive to protect your children. I don’t see how you could be doing a better job. But I can also understand you may not want your children to mimic your anxieties, or have your fears get in the way of truly living in the moment with your family.
Fear, like any other emotion, does have its appropriate place and time. When a pandemic is being threatened by the media every second, it’s only appropriate to be afraid; it helps us find solutions on how to be safe. It helps us gather more information; it motivates us to stay alive. This is the self-preservation instinct, and we share it with every other living creature on our planet. When we are “afraid” we enter almost an altered state where all of our senses are on the alert, aiding in the process of human survival. What ends up killing us is STAYING in this mode.
So you have fear + panic = constant stress. The human body was not built to handle high levels of fear and stress for long periods of time. It was built to handle high levels of fear and stress for very short periods of time. So the key is to feel afraid, allow it to move us in a proactive direction but then calm down.
Use your good judgment in the care of your children and take comfort in the fact that all that can be done is being done, and that we are fortunate enough to live in an age where we can use computers and powerful medications to combat disease as opposed to bloodletting and leeches.
Ultimately, our lives are a pastiche of contrasting opposites, all combining together perfectly in the dance that is existence. The world we live in is a place of pleasure and pain, joy and anger, fear and love. Things could not work any other way. At times it can be a dangerous place. But to allow ourselves to live in a state solely focused on the negatives, especially the ones we have no control over, causes us to miss out on the abundance of beauty, love and happiness we all deserve.
Warmly,
Dr. V
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
Visit her Web site at www.talk2drv.com