Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships
Dear Dr V,
I’m a single mom of a 14-year-old boy. Recently we sat down at his computer to work on a school project. We went online to look something up and long story short, I discovered a large amount of pornography on his computer.
Of course, we were both very uncomfortable. He closed the screens right away. I tried to talk to him about it, but he shut down and wouldn’t talk to me. I felt terrible, I didn’t know what to say, so we just kept on with the school work like nothing had happened. I know my son is growing up, but I was very disturbed by the brief images I saw — they looked violent and very misogynistic. Should I take the computer out of his room? Punish him? I’m at a loss. Help.
Confused and Embarrassed Mom
Dear Mom,
It sounds like you got a pretty brutal reality check on just how much your son is growing up. Early adolescence can be a difficult and challenging time for both kids and parents. Hard for kids in that they’re about to begin that long walk over hot coals leading from puberty into adulthood, and trying for parents in that we must accept that our babies are no longer babies. It’s a time for adjusting boundaries while still maintaining an appropriate level of parental authority and control.
Your question raises a lot of important issues, but I’ll start with a direct answer to one part of your problem: Should you take the computer out of your son’s room? YES. Stop reading this, disconnect it and come back. I’ll still be here, Go ahead.
Leaving a child to use the Internet unsupervised is about as safe as dropping your son off in Time Square at night and saying, “Have fun, I’ll be back to get you in the morning” (although at least there are cops in Times Square). The Internet can be a wonderful educational tool, putting volumes of information literally at our fingertips. Its applications for the enhancement and understanding of science and the arts are virtually limitless. But it can also be a dangerous place. Child predators are the most well known peril, but there is also dangerous content; hate-groups looking to recruit, grotesque and violent imagery (such as a website that posts morgue and crime scene photos) and of course, pornography.
As parents, it is our responsibility to make ourselves at least as tech literate, if not as tech savvy, as our kids. Perhaps twenty years ago it was acceptable for the clock on the VCR to flash 12:00 until the youngest member of the household set it to the right time, but times have changed, and then some. For example, does your son have a Facebook or Myspace page? If so, have you seen it? What kind of persona is he projecting into cyberspace? Were you or your son aware that once he uploads any image or information about himself it’s essentially on the Web forever, accessible to anyone willing to look for it? More and more high schools, colleges and employers are looking at the online identities of applicants and factoring them into their decision making process. You don’t need to ban your son from using the Web, but it sounds to me like you both need to develop your “cyber street-smarts”.
Returning to your original question; as you have been made painfully aware, your son is maturing sexually, and I would imagine his body is light-years ahead of where his mind is at. Now, teenage boys looking at porn is nothing new.
However, considering what you saw on the computer, I think it would be wise to moderate the content your son can access. Blocking access to the material is a start, but more important than that is to foster in your son the understanding as to why he shouldn’t be consuming this kind of imagery.
I think one of the biggest obstacles we collectively face as parents around dealing with this issue is the embarrassment factor. Outside of locker room type settings or stand-up comedy routines, pornography is not really a topic that’s often discussed. Because we’re not talking about it, especially as parents to our children, when our kids reach the age where sex begins to enter their awareness there are often avoidable complications.
Issues arise that could be defused through parental support, but because of an understandable awkwardness on both sides kids often look elsewhere for their answers, often from their peers or the media, neither of which are reliable. As Moms and Dads, it’s up to us to bite the bullet, muscle through the anxiety and start the conversation. Ask yourself, do you want your son’s primary understanding of sex to come from those images you saw? How might this impact how he relates to his future girlfriends, even how he perceives women in general?
I think you need to have a discussion with your son about sex and porn. You mentioned that the images you saw were violent and misogynistic. Talk to your son about that. Without being judgmental or pedantic, ask your son how he thinks the women in the films felt about being treated in such a way. This may lead to an engaging and helpful conversation, or at least open the lines of communication and set the stage for future talks. Hopefully you two will be able to have a conversation, or at least begin one. If your son gets uncomfortable, respect that and don’t press any further. However, in the best of all possible worlds you and your son’s awareness will be raised surrounding these topics.
Though it can certainly lead to issues of its own, adults consuming adult content is far less troublesome to me then early teens being exposed to such graphic and explicit imagery. They really still have one foot in childhood, and as such, need the protection and guidance one would provide to a child.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
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