Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships. This week: should my mother move in?
Dear Dr. V,
I am 31 years old with a loving husband and three children. My parents are in the middle of a very ugly divorce and they have often put me in the middle of everything. I realize my role in the family is to be their parent but it sometimes makes me sad that I never really had the chance to experience a childhood … Anyway, my mother called the other day to ask if after the divorce she could come and live with my family for a little while — “just to get away from all of the stress” (is what she said). It wasn’t to see me or spend time with her grandchildren but to get away from the stress! What should I do? Maybe it would be nice, maybe it would be a complete disaster … ?
Signed,
Mother to all!
Dear Mom,
I’m sorry to hear of your parents’ divorce, and even more saddened by the fact that it has turned ugly. You say in your letter that “I realize my role is to be the parent,” with which I must respectfully disagree. No matter the demands and expectations placed on you by your parents in the past, your primary responsibility now is to your husband, your children, and really before anyone else, yourself.
As your parents move through this separation, I think it’s important for you to recognize and honor the upheaval and turmoil you may be experiencing as well; of equal importance, will be establishing and maintaining the appropriate boundaries with both of your parents. Regardless of how things played out in the past, you can only be a mother to your children now. Your parents are adults, and they need to take responsibility for the resolution of their own issues, without depending on you to fix things or rescue them.
If as a child you played the role of mother in your house, then you may have fallen into being a caretaker for your parents. This is an incredibly unfair burden for a child to have to shoulder, and perhaps you still carry this with you now. If so, now is the time to release it — and yourself. As I began writing my response to your letter, it occurred to me that once you were out of the picture, this was the point when your parents could no longer make their marriage work. And this could in fact be because they were never making their marriage work; you were doing it for them. Your departure into your own adult life left them to manage their issues on their own, which for whatever reasons they are unable to do. This, of course, is not to say that you are in any way responsible for your parent’s divorce, quite the opposite. It would seem as if you were the only thing that kept them together so long.
As an Adult Child of Divorce (commonly abbreviated ACOD, or AKOD for Adult Kid of Divorce), you may find that you experience your own rough ride as the dynamics in the relationship between you and your parents go through its own metamorphoses. You may experience much of the same emotional ordeals and trials as a child whose parents are separating, but in addition to this, there are the deeper perceptions and understandings that come with being an adult.
This, of course, only makes a difficult and complex situation all the more complicated for you. You may already be well into a myriad of emotions: grief, anger, sadness, confusion and so on. Individual or group therapy could be of great help to you and I strongly encourage it. More and more, the uniqueness of the hurt suffered by Adult Children of Divorce is being recognized by the professional community and specialized help is available, both in live and online support groups and communities.
In regards to your mother’s request to move in, my feeling is that it would not be appropriate, especially if you wish to maintain a good relationship with your father. There is also your children’s relationship with their grandparents to consider here as well. It is of vital importance that you remain empathically neutral toward both of your parents. By this I mean you can provide emotional support and still “be there” for either of them to a certain degree (i.e., a shoulder to cry on, spending time with them if you think they’re lonely), but you must simultaneously be ready to enforce certain boundaries. Examples of this would be refusing to hear “smack talk” about Dad from Mom and vice versa, and above all, to not take sides. This is not your fight, and it may take a supreme amount effort not to allow yourself to be dragged in, but I think this will ultimately be best for everyone. If things are getting nasty I’m sure you don’t want your children exposed to the ugliness any more than you yourself want to be.
Mom or Dad may not welcome the establishment of your new boundaries, and you might find yourself having misplaced anger directed at you. Try not to internalize this. If my assumption about you being the “savior” in your childhood family dynamic was correct, they may be looking for you again to fix things, to be an ally. It is your responsibility not to fall back into old patterns, both for your sake and the sake of your marriage and children. As an alternative to moving in with you, offering to help your mom find and get set up in a new place to live might ease the transition somewhat.
Divorce is almost never an easy process for anyone involved. I expect it may be hard for you to watch your parents go through this painful process. It may be just as hard for you to remain neutral and not involve yourself beyond an impartial, supportive capacity, especially after years of being the one who put everything back together. Of course, you will likely have your own opinions and perceptions of what caused the divorce. While at some point in the future you might be able to share this with either your mom or dad, for now, in the interest of keeping those boundaries intact, I would suggest using whatever support network you have in place (your husband, friends, etc) to confide in, vent your emotions and opinions to. It may be challenging and even painful for you to maintain this neutrality, but ultimately it will serve the health of your family and relationships with your parents best.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
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