Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships.
Dear Dr. V,
I’m a professional woman; I work in a decent-sized office in Downtown LA. My position is to act as kind of a go-between for the top brass and the rest of the company. There are basically two guys who run the office. Both are in their 50s and tend to be kind of “old school” in how they run things — many times I think they’re unintentionally sexist.
I don’t mean harassment or anything like that, but more often than not I feel my male co-workers will get the kudos for work that I’ve done — yet when the you-know-what hits the fan I’m the one they come running to for help. They lavish praise on me privately at these moments when I save the day, but it’s small comfort in light of this other stuff.
Also, one of them can be a bit of a bully. Like he tells us that we should let him know when we have concerns or questions about his decisions, yet when things go wrong, he often throws a temper-tantrum, yelling and slamming things around on desks and tables. This behavior makes him seem less than approachable, then he gets upset that nobody talks to him. Despite this I do love my job and feel invested in the place and don’t want to leave. What can I do?
Dear Reader,
I’m sorry to say that your situation is far from unusual. We have the Internet, GPS devices, computers we can hold in our hands and it’s been more than forty years since we walked on the moon. Yet, the age-old, silly battle of Boys vs. Girls rages on. Nowhere is this more apparent today than in the workplace.
I’m glad to hear that sexual harassment is not a component of the dynamic in your office, though what you describe to me sounds like a more insidious gender conflict, one that could be both generational as well as cultural in origin.
First, as you describe them, the “brass” in your office are men in their 50s. On the face of it, one would think they are young enough to have lived through the social upheaval and change of the ’60s and ’70s. But if we stop to think about it, this change had its origins on what was at the time the fringe element of our culture. These kinds of cultural changes take a long time to seep inwards to become the norm. I would argue in the battle for equality on all fronts: race, gender and most obvious today, sexual orientation, there are still many hearts and minds yet to be won. Of course, I’m not suggesting that your bosses are running an office like we see on “Mad Men” (at least I hope they’re not), but I do think that you might find that your younger male co-workers might not share the latent chauvinist mindset you’ve seen on display.
There is, however, a cultural component to this as well, and it really is the same situation I described with your bosses, only applied on the macro-level. Because what is our culture, but the sum total of the individuals who make it up? This being said, I think we may have to cycle through another generation or two in the workplace before we start to see this outdated, sexist thinking become more the exception than the rule. And aside from living by example and following Gandhi’s advice to “become the change we want to see in the world,” there is not much else we can do at this level.
At your level, however, it is a different story. From where I sit I see a few ways around the problem. You’ll have to decide which is most appropriate for you, based on what is your perception of the situation.
Here’s what I mean by thus. You say that you want to keep your job, so however you decide to handle this issue, the solution has to be both acceptable to you and your bosses (whether they know they’re accepting it or not). So, your first option, and this is the hardest as it involves swallowing your pride, would be to take what I like to call the “Nut-House Napoleon” approach. Just as you wouldn’t argue with someone in an institution who claimed they were Napoleon, you can take the same approach with the tantrum-thrower. Recognize his insanity for what it is, accept that this is simply the way this person behaves, and try not to internalize the aggression. Just show up to do your job, secure in your knowledge that you (and most likely your co-workers as well) know what the score is, and let the guy go on thinking he’s Napoleon.
The problem with this approach is that it’s a fine line between just deflecting the behavior and actually letting it turn in to an abusive dynamic where you’re allowing yourself to be a punching bag, which, of course, is unacceptable.
Another option would be to address the matter openly with your bosses. Two suggestions if you decide to take this route: First, do it privately, not in front of the rest of the office, so the boys won’t feel the need to save face lest they look like they’re getting picked on by a girl (remember those deep-seated gender issues). Second, choose your timing. During or post-tantrum would not be the optimum time to discuss this person’s anger issues with them. Rather, I’d wait for one of those “praising” moments you mentioned, when your value to the office is in the forefront of their minds. Then, being sure to be both respectful and emotionally neutral in how you approach the subject, you could bring up the issues.
A good strategy could be to couch the discussion in the context of “how can we improve communication between you and the office.” You could explain that, though you know it was not his intention to do so (give him the benefit of the doubt), when Mr. Tantrum vents his frustrations it’s intimidating for you and it shuts down the flow of communication. See where that takes you.
As far getting the much deserved credit for work you’ve done, by all means mention it, but I think you might have better luck if you made it about you getting credit as an individual, rather than you getting credit as a woman. Of course, it sounds like there is some sexist discrimination going on, but if you can get them to see you as a deserving individual, they may be more open to what you have to say than if you suggest that they were discriminating against you. This is a case of winning a battle in an ongoing war. You may not change their mindset, but you can minimize its effect on you.
As I said, when we take a step back and look at the issue this just seems silly, if not tragic. The year is 2010 (I mean there’s a science fiction novel named after this year; we’re supposed to be colonizing space by now!), and yet we are still struggling against these misogynist and counterproductive mentalities. All I can say is somehow you’ll have to be the bigger woman and learn to let this destructive nonsense move over and around you. One positive spin is that your example could inspire younger women in your office, and in your own way, you will be affecting change for the future.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.