Dear Dr. V.
I lost my mother about a year ago and my father fell into a clinical depression. It was stressful and sad for everyone involved. I fell into the “care taker” role and never really had a chance to mourn the death of my mother. Like I said, it has now been about a year and he seems to be doing much better. So much better that he’s seeing another woman. I don’t know why, but this makes me very angry. Do you think it’s right for him to be seeing another woman so soon after the death of my mother?
Sincerely,
Catherine
Dear Catherine,
Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. I can only begin to imagine the emotional ordeal you have gone through and must continue to deal with. A good friend of mine lost both her parents to cancer when she was still quite young. I asked her how she was able to cope, and her answer was that as living creatures, there is a deep, primal part of us that holds a pure survival instinct, a will to continue to live, no matter how great the pain we may be enduring.
It’s this part of us that keeps us going physically while our hearts and souls take the time they need to adjust to the loss. I realize words can offer little true comfort in the grieving process, but perhaps knowing that you carry this great and ancient strength within you can offer some solace as you work through this difficult time.
You mentioned you became a caretaker for your father after his fall into depression. This was certainly an admirable thing to do, but I think an unforeseen consequence may be that you have not seen to caring for yourself. All of this to say, that you may have shortchanged yourself out of your own time to grieve for your mother.
The process of grieving is complex, painful and difficult to move through. And while none of us wishes for or looks forward to loss, when it does occur it should be honored for the singular and sacred thing that it is. Again, I’m not saying it’s a positive or joyous event when we lose a loved one. But, when we are able to grieve in a healthy way the process can actually reward us with spiritual and emotional growth and most importantly, help us return to a place of relative emotional equilibrium in our lives. It’s not that the space left by the departed will ever be filled, or feel “not-empty,” but we learn to live with the loss.
You may have already heard of the five stages of grieving, famously formulated by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then at last Acceptance. Perhaps some people are expecting you to move through them in order, like you’re making your way down a checklist. Of course, this is not the way things work at all. You may bounce around between stages before things settle inside you. And this is not something you need to experience alone. The Web site www.hospicenet.org/ offers many online resources for those who are about to lose someone or who, like you, are now dealing with the aftermath. There is a good deal of reading material at the site itself, in addition to contact information for places to find help and support in your local area.
I bring up the five stages of grieving because you mentioned feelings of anger towards your father for dating again. While I certainly understand why you would feel this way, I also wonder if maybe some of your own grieving anger is finding an outlet through your dissatisfaction with your father’s behavior. Part of your question was if I thought it was “too soon” for him to be seeing someone. In truth, I think only your father can really answer that question. Though we could spend a lot of time conjecturing possible reasons for your father’s behavior, only he really knows.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t talk to your father about your feelings regarding his relationship. However, I would advise you to approach the discussion carefully. You are both in very emotionally active places, to say the least. I also imagine that the idea of your father dating in and of itself could be disquieting for you. Your entire life he has been your mother’s husband, and now he is engaging in a behavior that you have not seen before. This being said, if you feel this is a conversation you are ready to have with Dad, I would prepare yourself ahead of time. Try to remember that he is not dating this woman to insult the memory of your mother or to cause you more pain, in all likelihood he is trying to ease his own suffering. Speak honestly and from the heart about your feelings, try to ask your father questions about his feelings, and above all else, try to be as empathic as possible with each other. In the timekeeping of grief, a year is simultaneously an eternity and an instant. You two need to be gentle and loving with each other.
However, if you haven’t done so already, I think your primary focus should be on your healing and recovery from this profound loss. Beyond sharing your feelings with each other and remaining mutually empathic, loving and supportive, how your father handles his grief is ultimately his garden to tend, just as your own grieving process is your own unique path.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
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