Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships.
Dear Dr.
V,
I’m thirty two years old, and I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with my father. My parents divorced when I was fourteen, and he and I went through a pretty rough patch — we didn’t speak to each other for almost a year at one point.
We’re on wonderful terms now, but I’m very concerned for him. He has a serious drinking problem; he puts down almost a bottle of gin every evening. He also gets angry and mean when he’s in depths of intoxication. We live in different states, so I’m not on the “business end” of his alcoholism so much, but I feel like he’s drinking himself to death. What can I do?
Frightened Daughter
Dear Daughter,
I’m truly sorry that your father suffers from alcoholism, and while you may feel as if you are not, as you put it, “on the business end” of his drinking, you are at least on the periphery. It’s upset you enough that you felt compelled to write in. When an alcoholic’s drinking reaches the intense stage your father’s appears to be at, it really can feel like you are watching somebody destroy themselves in slow motion right in front of you.
I also realize how upsetting it can be to see a loved one twisted and warped by a substance into a hostile, alien being, which sounds like the transformation you witness in your father as he sinks deeper and deeper into the evening’s binge.
Sad to say, you are likely to see this happen more in the future. The only comfort I can offer here is to try and remember that at these moments, your father is both physically and spiritually poisoned; his body has been overwhelmed with a toxin (alcohol) and is behaving in an abnormal way to try and process it.
Without knowing anything about your father beyond the fact that he has a drinking problem, I still feel sure in hypothesizing this much: your father drinks to self-medicate. Perhaps it’s one deep-seated problem, perhaps it’s a lifetime’s worth of accumulated pain and unresolved issues or somewhere in between, but either way, every night he’s trying to drown those feelings under an ocean of booze. And he may in fact be succeeding in doing so. The unfortunate by-product of this method is that he is also drowning all those things inside him that are good and loving, and causing emotional distress to his loved ones.
The harsh and unfortunate truth of the situation is that outside of expressing your feelings of concern to your father, there is really nothing you or anyone else can do. Even if you were to organize an intervention with your family, there is no guarantee it would change things. There are multiple approaches to recovery from alcoholism, from 12-step groups to fancy rehab centers, and many people who would swear by their efficacy. And I have no doubt that it is possible for any alcoholic or addict to defeat their addiction and return to their lives as full, realized human beings, so long as one very important condition is met. The person in question must want to get better, for themselves. The desire to recover from the addiction must originate within them. Without this native desire, they will not be able to stop, for a very simple reason; they don’t want to.
You mentioned that you were thirty-two, which means your father must be somewhere in the neighborhood of at least fifty or sixty-something. Certainly, to use a hack cliché, he’s old enough to know better. If he decides he wants to stop drinking, is willing to do the work and the family will support him, he very well may be able to do it. It won’t be easy for anyone, but it is possible.
That is a pretty big “If,” though, and certainly not enough to hang one’s hat on. Which leaves us with how you will deal with the situation as it is. In the broadest sense, for your own sanity, you need to be able to accept your father as he is. This does not mean it doesn’t upset you that he drinks too much, that you should allow yourself to be on the receiving end of any abusive or dysfunctional behavior, or even that you should not remain vigilant and receptive to any signs of a turnaround on your father’s part.
What it does mean is that you do not take any responsibility for your father’s drinking, his behavior, or any consequences that result from his alcoholism. It means you that you must establish boundaries in order to protect yourself and your own emotional well-being. An example of this would be to physically remove yourself from his presence when he begins drinking.
I realize it’s very easy for me to preach this policy of emotional laissez faire without having to be in your shoes to carry it out. The fact is there are no easy solutions to this problem. If you wanted to be brutal about it you could simply cut off contact with your father altogether, but I don’t generally advocate such harsh measures unless there is a real threat of imminent physical danger.
Unless your father is able to get his act together, you may need to accept that he is an alcoholic. By all means maintain an open avenue of communication, love and empathy with him, but balance this with keeping yourself protected and secure. Be ready to throw that life preserver, but also know he may never ask for it.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
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