Venus Nicolino holds a Ph.D. in Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships. This week: the loss of a child
Dear Dr. V,
My best friend lost her child five years ago. Sometimes I feel as though I don’t know her or that she is very far away from me. She sees a psychologist and is on medication for depression. I feel her pain and I miss my friend. Is she changed forever? Will she ever be the person I remember?
Susan in LA
Dear Susan,
Unless you have lost a child you do not feel her pain. Children are not supposed to die. Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind. This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.
It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is the ultimate deprivation.
The grief caused by a child’s death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting — children are not supposed to die.
These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child’s death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.
Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child’s death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that memories are the precious gifts of the heart and that they need these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness.
Death is a common experience to all mankind, an experience that touches all members of the human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there is both commonality and individuality in the grief experience. When a loved one dies, each person reacts differently. A child’s death, however, is such a wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are painfully shaken. Such a devastating loss exacts an emotional as well as a physical toll on the parents and family.
Bereavement specialists point to the commonalities of parental grief that may include an overwhelming sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one’s very being. They explain that it is also important for these parents to express their anger outwardly so that it will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future. These specialists say that although there are many commonalities in parental grief, individual reactions often vary and that the same person may even experience contradictory reactions. They also say that the two responses experienced most commonly by bereaved parents are a baffling sense of disorientation and a deep conviction that they must never let go of the grief.
But there are also many unique ways that bereaved parents express their grief. These individual parental responses are influenced by many factors including the person’s life experiences, coping skills, personality, age, gender, family and cultural background, support and/or belief systems, and even the death or the type of death that occurred.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents’ emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well. Susan, below are a few thoughts to keep in mind when trying to reach your friend:
- Bereaved parents face a devastating and difficult journey; expressing grief is the normal response to such a loss; unexpressed grief can be devastating and debilitating.
- An intense parental attachment has been formed between parent and child no matter how young the child is at the time of death. Others need to try and understand the intensity of this attachment, the depth of the parents’ grief, and the magnitude of their sorrow.
- Grief is exhausting and demanding work. Grief is also a process, not a single timed event. Bereaved parents appear to exhibit different reactions at varying points in their grief and to grieve differently even when they belong to the same family.
- There are no easy ways to deal with grief, there is no one correct way to grieve, and no set time frame for grieving parents.
- Caregivers need to know there are no exact or right words or expressions when comforting grieving parents. Neither should caregivers try to take away the parents’ grief. Most of all, they should try to speak from the heart and show their care and concern. Sometimes it may seem that they say the wrong thing. The caregiver should try again, using different words, or admit confusion about what to say. The pain must be walked through by the bereaved parent and also by those who seek to help them.
I hope this was helpful.
Warmly,
Dr. V
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to call or email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
Visit her Web site at www.talk2drv.com